Becoming. A Journey to Motherhood - The Pandemic Edition

Falling pregnant back in May 2019, I had a very ‘normal’ pregnancy apart from the sickness. Which was awful and lasted until I was 7 months pregnant. But by normal I mean I was allowed my husband or my mum scans with me, I got to celebrate and grow with my family around me and we were just so excited for 2020 to hurry up and arrive as we just couldn’t wait to find out who our little baby would be. Towards the end of my pregnancy the sonographer had noticed that our baby was measuring small and they had some concerns, so I had to go for more checks and talk to a consultant. On the day I found that out I was at the scan on my own, as I didn’t want my husband to book another day off work. All I can say is getting any type of news that there are concerns with your baby, on your own is hard. You can’t really process what they are saying to you and you’re instantly filled with emotion. I am so thankful that as soon as I come out of there I could call my mum to come and sit with me, and for the rest of my scans which I needed regularly I had someone with me. No one should have to go through this alone!
I spent so much time in the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy at the hospital, it was a worrying time and I am so grateful I had my mum or husband there to ask the questions I may have forgot or to back me up and continue to chase for the answers. As I do feel especially as a First Time Mum, you are dismissed a lot or not taken as seriously by the midwifes and doctors as you haven’t had this experience before and they really do expect you to just say yes rather then ask questions why. This was the case for me when I was told at 35 weeks I needed to be induced, but they couldn’t explain to me why this was. Just that I should say yes to the induction.
Fast forward 38 weeks pregnant after refusing 3 inductions a doctor finally explained why they needed to get the baby out sooner rather than later. It would be safer for the baby as they still hadn’t grown as much as they should and was showing no obvious signs as to why.
I was kept in and induced and not allowed to go home until the baby was here! The emotions were uncontrollable, excited because I was about to become a mum but also filled with nerves! Could I do this? Can my body do this? My biggest fear was having to have a c section.

I was induced Wednesday morning the 12th of February, which actually was fine and not painful at all the midwives were amazing and kept me laughing and calm the whole time. After the induction I was moved to the ward. We were aware of coronavirus, it was playing on the news but it didn’t feel real and like it was going to ever affect us. I am a germaphobe at the best of times, and always cautious about keeping clean, and this time in hospital was no difference.

Having my husband Zoran with me whilst I was on the ward really was a god send, I suffer with anxiety and I just don’t think I could have gone through any of this alone, he really helped me stay calm, making me laugh to keep get my oxytocin flowing and keeping me sane. He knew how much I wanted to do this whole process as natural as possible and was brilliant at getting this across to the midwives when I was unable to.
I was on that ward until Thursday night at 11pm, over 24 hours in a ward really feels like a lifetime.
They took me down to the Labour ward at 11pm, I handed the doctor and midwife on duty my birth notes, she looked at them and literally laughed and said “Aww, there’s no point worrying about these you won’t get anything you wished for, if nothing progresses by midnight we will be breaking your waters”

To say I was fuming was an understatement, luckily my mum was there to calm be back down decorate the room with my led candles and nice essential oils and put my favourite songs on. Oh and set up my cameras and tripod, yes I was that girl. I had one camera on a tripod ready to video and one for my husband and mum to document the birth.
They broke my waters at 00:30 Friday 14th February I was already 2cm when they took out my induction rods and apparently I still hadn’t progressed when the waters had been broke. The doctor came in and said to me “Ok, so you ready for your epidural?” Which shocked me because I had said no pain relief, when I declined she looked at me and in the most patronising tone said “This is going to hurt you know, are you sure you don’t want this, you really are going to need it!” Because they wanted to put me straight on the drip to hurry along the process.
I continued to decline, and I asked them to leave me alone for a while, I wanted time to do this on my own as naturally as I could. I knew my rights and I knew I could do this. I was contracting a lot by this point and I knew my body was progressing and didn’t need to be rushed.

A few hours had passed around 4am, I was placed on the drip and 4cm dilated I had to now stay on the bed attached to the monitor to keep track of baby’s heartrate. Being on the drip the contractions were very intense, I stayed focus on my breathing and hypnobirthing techniques, still only using the gas and air. However, the midwife was telling me that I wasn’t having strong enough contractions and the labour was not progressing. A few more hours passed the pain I have never experienced anything like it, it was so intense I couldn’t sit still something was happening but according to the monitor my contractions were not strong enough. I couldn’t cope anymore!

At 07:07 our baby literally flew into our world! I was shouting that something was coming out, I really thought I was about to wet myself so I was just making everyone aware. But no, low and behold it was the baby, came out all in one go, no pushing, the midwife didn’t even have her gloves on. It came shooting out slid across the bed and hit the bottom, luckily we were still attached by the cord. It was a massive shock and relief to hear the first cry and when my husband saw and announced he was a boy; I just couldn’t control the tears. I wish I could bottle up that feeling of euphoria, total love, excitement and happiness. It really was the best moment of my life.

We had to stay in hospital for another couple of days, as Reggie was jaundice and needed light therapy. When we were finally discharged, I felt free so relieved and I couldn’t wait to start our life as a family and take on the year ahead. We had so many plans for my maternity leave.
Coronavirus was on the news everyday now and a lot of family were very cautious about coming to see the baby and I was so anxious about going anywhere with him and people coming round to see him/hold him. So I was actually grateful that we didn’t have an influx of visitors when first got home, most of our family were waiting ‘until it was safe’ to come and see the baby.

Lockdown
Reggie was 3 weeks old when we were told to self-isolate and to stop seeing people and 5 weeks old when the first national lockdown happened. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing when Boris done his announcement. It was like we was living in a film and surely this wasn’t real. I remember hugging my mum for the last time and being so scared of the unknown.
I was petrified to leave the house once the lockdown had begun, too scared to take the baby out I didn’t go anywhere not even out for a walk. The first time I left the house was for what was meant to be the baby’s 6 week check, but due to lockdown our doctor would only see the baby, not check the mothers, and only see the baby for their vaccinations. Our surgery also wasn’t letting people in at the time and offered to do the jabs in the street outside the surgery. Which I refused. That was the start of lack of care for new mothers and babies. I feel we have been neglected throughout this whole pandemic.
Telephone calls instead of face to face appointments, and if I had any concerns I could call the health visitor team that would then take 3-4 weeks to reply to your voicemail. As a first time mum, I was left to guess and figure lots of things out myself. At his checks before lockdown, I was told Reggie had tongue tie, but due to the pandemic and him not losing enough wait he isn’t a priority to be snipped. He also had a reaction to diary but again we couldn’t request an allergy test until the lockdown was over.
I am breastfeeding Reggie, and the tongue tie causes him to not be able to latch on correctly. I persevered through the pain of a bad latch, cutting out diary and soya from my diet completely so that I manage his intolerance and I have had mastitis.
I found all of this very hard going and was really beginning to struggle, we have so much preparation before the baby comes classes on how to get through the labour etc. But there is nothing to prepare you mentally and physically for once the baby gets here. You are left to figure it out alone and then 2020 was the year you couldn’t get help even if you really needed it. It has been very lonely and very hard to adjust to life as a new mum, I do feel it will make us stronger in the long run.
The first lockdown I think I cried pretty much every day, I really felt angry.
Why is this happening to me and my baby? Why am I missing out on showing my baby off to the world? Why am I being robbed of my maternity leave and my first experience of motherhood. It probably was very selfish to think that way as I was healthy, I have the most perfect child and all my family are safe and healthy but I just couldn’t help but feel stripped and robbed of all these warm and happy memories I wouldn’t be able to make.

My mum having to touch her first grandchild’s hands through the window pane, not being able to just squeeze him, smell him, kiss him. I could see the pain in her eyes every time she came for a doorstep visit and it was so cold we couldn’t even stand outside for too long with the baby.
My grandparents haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with their first great child. They missed out on the whole newborn faze!
I never wanted to expose Reggie to screens but that’s the only way he has gotten to know his family and his family have be able to see him grow, is by spending everyday on FaceTime.
I could start to see by the time he was around 3 months old and becoming more aware he was

starting to get scared of people. He was very attached to me, I think he was shocked to realise that there are other real life people in the world apart from mum and dad. I made the decision to start seeing my mum properly again to get the baby used to family. We have a huge family and I really didn’t want this pandemic to affect his ability to socialise.
I think Reggie is thriving now, he is still very much attached to me, and I am his comfort. However, he loves to be surrounded by people. He thrives off of the attention. He is such a little character and definitely works the room and loves to make everyone laugh. Throughout the summer months when Reggie was 5-8 months. I made the most of everything being back open. I turned off the news kept my mind healthy and positive and spent afternoons in the garden with family and taking him on days out to parks and farms. It was so amazing to see how happy and excited he would be to be outside and seeing new sights smelling new smells and hearing new sounds.
When we could go to baby classes, Reggie was obsessed and so excited to be around and see other babies. I will never forget the first time he saw another baby; I had met my friend I met whilst we both having our babies. He was in total shock and couldn’t stop staring it was really cute.

Apart from us having a lack of routine and me letting Reggie get all the cuddles by sleeping in bed with me, you wouldn’t really know he is a lockdown baby. I have tried really hard to keep him quite social and not let this pandemic get the better of me. There is not much we can do and no where we can really go, but I work hard to not let my anxiety from all of this pass on to him. I try to make everyday fun, we play a lot of games and we are trying to enjoy this time together as a family. As we never will get this much time all together again. It has been a blessing for all the dads to spend so much time with their newborns. I do think it has made the whole world slow down and appreciate the little things in life and hopefully it goes on to create a better work/home/life balance for us all. 

Becoming a mother is the most incredible emotional roller-coaster ride I have ever been on. I feel like I finally found my purpose in life and that is to be a mother and bring mothers today. Have I found it easy, no! Have I loved every minute of it, no! But I am forever grateful I get to wake up every day and be Reggie’s Mummy. I think maternity leave should really have been extended, yes we have been home with our babies but it’s been bloody hard graft for us mums. Mentally and physically and we deserve to have some time for us, some time to make new mum friends because lord knows how much you need that support and sisterhood. Time for us to go out for dinner, to the spa, get our hair done. Time for us to take our babies out to classes and interact properly without a sweaty mask covering our face and scaring the shit out of our children. A time for us to get our babies to adjust without us with them 24/7 before we are thrown back into the 9-5 jobs the majority of us don’t want to go back but financially don’t have much of a choice now because the pandemic took such a toll on us.

If I could look back in hindsight and give myself advice on how to get through the pandemic as a brand new mum. It would be to trust your gut and do what is right for you. No one else can tell you what is right or wrong for you and your baby. There’s no rush to lose the baby weight, switch off social media and the news. Do not put so much pressure on you mumma. Take each day as it comes.

You got this x